Failure – Is it an option?

I have this problem with myself. It’s a pretty serious problem, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m too hard on myself. It’s been this way my entire life. I am terrified of failure. I’m terrified of making mistakes. Every time I did something wrong, I got in trouble with my parents. It created this aura about me, that I have to do everything absolutely perfect. Nothing less than perfection. I hate getting in trouble, so I try to be perfect with everything I do. I’m not a perfect athlete, so I never tried beyond gym class to be in sports. I was a reader anyway. That was what I was perfect at: anything having to do with reading and English class. In grade school, I was always several grades above my reading level. I was put into an advanced reading class once. That was the same year my teacher gave me a special gift at the end of the year. No one else got a gift, but I did. She gave me nine novels that were far above the reading level of the rest of the class. I still have some of them. I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, and one of the books she gave me was A Wrinkle in Time. While everyone else was first starting to read “chapter books,” as we called them, I was reading Danny the Champion of the World by Roald Dahl (another book she gave me). In 6th grade, I read A Tale of Two Cities for a book report. I got an A. As far as I know, that’s a higher grade or college level book to read for such a thing.

This perfection thing has translated into every aspect of my life. No matter what I’m trying to do, I feel the need to be perfect. I feel like my every action and decision is being watched and judged. Especially by my parents. Mostly my father. Many times, I feel frozen in indecision. I hate being wrong and making mistakes. If I don’t live up to my own standards (which are really high, and probably unrealistic), I’m really hard on myself. I berate myself with self-depreciating thoughts and comments. I still get told I’m making the wrong choices, so that makes it even harder to try and change. I don’t know how to get away from this.

I know this is what is effecting my writing. I’m so scared of failure, of not being perfect, that I’m frozen. I can’t write. I’m stuck in a world where I know this is my dream, but I can’t achieve it. I am truly my own worst enemy. Not only that, but my father doesn’t believe this is a realistic choice.

I know I have a natural talent. I know it needs to be refined. I don’t know to what extent, but I wish I wasn’t so afraid of everything. If only I could tell myself that failure is okay, and to keep trying. If only I could believe that rejection wouldn’t crush me and make me give up. If only I wasn’t so harsh to myself about having to be perfect, for the fear of being judged for my failures.

If I try and force myself to write because I know I need to write, it sounds horrible. I know it’s not well-written. I get frustrated and feel like crying or destroying something. My boss is at a Bitcoin conference, so I’ve been on my own and not getting emails about things that need to get done. I’ve been doing fine with my regular work load and the schedule that I need to stick to, but I’ve been horrible at managing my own free time. I binge watch shows on Netflix, play video games, and monkey around on the internet. I do some research about Bitcoin, but other than that, I am not productive. I got a Nook, so I’ve started reading again, so that’s good. Reading inspires my writing. Every writer should be an avid reader. I think it was Stephen King or Dean Koontz that said they read 200 novels a year. I’ve read 1 or 2 novels a year for the past few years or so. Maybe once I get my ass in gear about reading, I will write more. Maybe I just need to get out of the judgmental environment I’m in too. Every day I’m going to try and better myself in regards to this problem I have. I need to do it for me. And then I can be a writer, once I get out of my own way.

The Saddest Day

I’ve grown up in a constant state of warring with myself. I always thought I could go for my dreams–but I had to do it while working a “real” job. I’ve done that for 9 years. Where has that gotten me? No closer to my dreams, that’s for sure. Further away, actually.

I’ve always lived terrified of disappointing my dad. I don’t tell him certain things that would have him look down on me in any way. I’m afraid of sharing. I can’t be myself. And with all that, it’s the saddest day when you realize your dad has never supported your dreams. Ever. He’s never cared about everything creative I can do. The way your words move others when they read them–that doesn’t matter. How many times have people told me that what I say has inspired them? So why do I let my father’s disapproval get to me?

I finally have the job that I’ve dreamed of for so many years. The thing that brings me the most joy in the entire world–I get to read and write all day. No, it’s not full time right now. But it’s a starting point, and one that has already grown with added duties. In the near future, the Let’s Talk Bitcoin network is going to explode with content and content creators, and I’m going to be able to work full time and more if I want. I can’t discuss the details yet, because it’s a work in progress that the editor in chief is still working on it.

I am not giving up on this opportunity just because I should be working a “real” job. I have a morning meeting M-F at 9am to talk about the content being published for the day. I don’t have to be on-call during “non-normal” working hours in case something hot needs to be published, but I make myself available most of the time anyway. About a week ago, I was up late working within a Google doc with some influential people to get something published as soon as possible. It was a great experience.

As far as Bitcoin, yes, I happen to be working with a company pushing Bitcoin content. However, I could just as easily be working with some other company not related to Bitcoin in any way as a part time contributing editor for experience and working towards a goal. If anyone would care to learn how amazing it is, instead of listening to mainstream media, they would be just as excited about it as I am. Just think of things you can accomplish on top of the Bitcoin protocol! The possibilities are endless, if you only learn how it works.

I’ve been told I’m living in the clouds. No, I’m not. I’m doing something real that gets me closer to my dreams. Why do I need anyone’s support but my own? Maybe the answer to that question is that I don’t. I know what I’m doing. Maybe that’s why I felt like crying only briefly when I realized my father has never been supportive of my creative actions.

When you have an opportunity, you grab it, even if you just have your pinky toe in the door.