I’m half afraid of the direction that I’m taking. I’m so often frozen in fear, terrified, that I end up doing nothing. After a few years of being aimless and trying a few different things, I come back to something that is somewhat familiar. Or something that seems like it’s a rational choice. I constantly second guess myself. Question myself on what it is I think I want out of life. No matter what angle I seem to push, I can’t achieve what I truly desire: to live free from hierarchy of any kind. I hate it with a passion that fuels my soul. The only thing that saves my current jobs from being absolutely miserable is the patients I serve and the customers that give me compliments on my patience and thank me for my help. That’s what makes it worthwhile.
And now I’m going back to school. I don’t know if it’s wise or not. But if my employer will pay for it, why not? But is it a waste of time? I worry. I worry that I’m not doing the right thing. It’s frustrating. How do people know what they want? I’m almost 30, you would think I would have it figured out by now. The only thing I know is that I don’t want a boss lording over me. I want to be free to do my own thing. Beyond that, I don’t know how to achieve that goal.
Right now, I’m thinking that I can get a master’s degree in clinical psychology and then open my own therapy practice. Well, I don’t think that you can call it a “practice” if you’re not a doctor, but yeah. And then I could even do counseling and therapy online, which would be nice. It’s going to be a lot of work, but worth the effort. If I can minimize my student debt by having my employer pay for it, that would be awesome. The only cost then would be my time, really, before I can make a living doing my own thing without a boss.
I seem to have it figured out, don’t I? I mean, I have a plan. But I question it a lot. Meanwhile, I’m really excited to go back to school. I love school. I love learning. I love textbooks, even if they cost $206 or $131. But I hate how institutionalized it’s become, and how expensive it is.
I just hope I’m taking the right path. Instead of being frozen with fear, I took a step for once, after some real struggles. Well, is there such a thing as “the right path?” I don’t know if I believe in that. Maybe it’s just a journey we create for ourselves, there’s not exactly a right path or a wrong path. There are paths that are made of poor and immoral choices, for sure. Then we just have to learn from those choices. This is one reason I have a hard time with the concept of “regret.” Yes, I suppose it’s okay to have regret, but I look at these choices more as a learning reference point than one of regret. Can you really regret something if you learned from it?
This has taken more of a philosophical turn than I expected, but I can’t help what thoughts come across my brain the more I think about a subject! I only meant to say that I am not sure what to do with my future, and that I’m not sure of what I’ve chosen. If I’m not sure, does that mean it’s wrong? Does everything have to be certain? And if one is to question their decisions and future, I suppose it does have to turn introspective and philosophical!
All I can do is the best I can do, and take a step even if I’m not 100% about it. It’s better than doing nothing with no goals and remaining in jobs that aren’t letting me live up to my full potential.
Photo courtesy of Morguefile.
Honey & Chocolate 
Learning things is good. ^_^ Going into debt is not however.
I hope and pray that all goes well for you! 😀
“How do people know what they want?”
they believe. they believe in their ability to want something and be sure of it, even if they really aren’t. as for regrets, i think the biggest problem with, “regrets” is the sole reason that it becomes our set back. regret turns into a restriction, we turn to regrets and begin calculating the future and the possibility that our current decision will turn into a regret. but we step forward with the intention that we’re okay with it. regret is a widely known synonym too many other words, so i’m glad you’re going through with school and life even if you’re not 100% sure, not a lot of us are (: