Failure – Is it an option?

I have this problem with myself. It’s a pretty serious problem, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m too hard on myself. It’s been this way my entire life. I am terrified of failure. I’m terrified of making mistakes. Every time I did something wrong, I got in trouble with my parents. It created this aura about me, that I have to do everything absolutely perfect. Nothing less than perfection. I hate getting in trouble, so I try to be perfect with everything I do. I’m not a perfect athlete, so I never tried beyond gym class to be in sports. I was a reader anyway. That was what I was perfect at: anything having to do with reading and English class. In grade school, I was always several grades above my reading level. I was put into an advanced reading class once. That was the same year my teacher gave me a special gift at the end of the year. No one else got a gift, but I did. She gave me nine novels that were far above the reading level of the rest of the class. I still have some of them. I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, and one of the books she gave me was A Wrinkle in Time. While everyone else was first starting to read “chapter books,” as we called them, I was reading Danny the Champion of the World by Roald Dahl (another book she gave me). In 6th grade, I read A Tale of Two Cities for a book report. I got an A. As far as I know, that’s a higher grade or college level book to read for such a thing.

This perfection thing has translated into every aspect of my life. No matter what I’m trying to do, I feel the need to be perfect. I feel like my every action and decision is being watched and judged. Especially by my parents. Mostly my father. Many times, I feel frozen in indecision. I hate being wrong and making mistakes. If I don’t live up to my own standards (which are really high, and probably unrealistic), I’m really hard on myself. I berate myself with self-depreciating thoughts and comments. I still get told I’m making the wrong choices, so that makes it even harder to try and change. I don’t know how to get away from this.

I know this is what is effecting my writing. I’m so scared of failure, of not being perfect, that I’m frozen. I can’t write. I’m stuck in a world where I know this is my dream, but I can’t achieve it. I am truly my own worst enemy. Not only that, but my father doesn’t believe this is a realistic choice.

I know I have a natural talent. I know it needs to be refined. I don’t know to what extent, but I wish I wasn’t so afraid of everything. If only I could tell myself that failure is okay, and to keep trying. If only I could believe that rejection wouldn’t crush me and make me give up. If only I wasn’t so harsh to myself about having to be perfect, for the fear of being judged for my failures.

If I try and force myself to write because I know I need to write, it sounds horrible. I know it’s not well-written. I get frustrated and feel like crying or destroying something. My boss is at a Bitcoin conference, so I’ve been on my own and not getting emails about things that need to get done. I’ve been doing fine with my regular work load and the schedule that I need to stick to, but I’ve been horrible at managing my own free time. I binge watch shows on Netflix, play video games, and monkey around on the internet. I do some research about Bitcoin, but other than that, I am not productive. I got a Nook, so I’ve started reading again, so that’s good. Reading inspires my writing. Every writer should be an avid reader. I think it was Stephen King or Dean Koontz that said they read 200 novels a year. I’ve read 1 or 2 novels a year for the past few years or so. Maybe once I get my ass in gear about reading, I will write more. Maybe I just need to get out of the judgmental environment I’m in too. Every day I’m going to try and better myself in regards to this problem I have. I need to do it for me. And then I can be a writer, once I get out of my own way.